here are my "writings" (if you can call it that) from my old friendster blog. i decided to keep this one--prettytwistedchick.blogspot.com--(YEY!, AT LAST! I'VE FOUND A HOME!!!) and collate all the things i've written in my other blog account... these were from my friendster blog...
adios friendster!
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written: august 3, 2008
Huwag ka nangmaging mabait sa akin
Tigilan na ang mga pag ngiti
Ayoko nang ika’y makipag usap sa akin
Sugat lamang sa puso’y lalong humahapdi.
Huwag mo na akong paasahin
Huwag mo na akong pakibagayan
Huwag mo na akong kaibiganin
Baka ito’y mabigyan lang ng ibang kahulugan.
Tigilan na natin ang mga tawanan
Tapusin na ang mga kasiyahan
Dahil pagkatapos nitong maliligayang sandali
Sa kanya ka rin naman babalik.
Ayoko ng manatiling gising na nananaginip
Ayoko ng umasa pa.
Pagod na akong manalangin
Na pag-ibig ko ay masuklian din.
Kaya nga’t huwag mo na akong kausapin,
Huwag ka ng lumingon pa sa akin
Nang ako naman ay makapag umpisang
Makahanap ng panibagong pag-asa.
Puso ko’y suko na
sa mga di makatotohanang damdamin
Ako ngayon ay muling dumadalangin
Na kahilingan ko’y dinggin.
Panginoon, puso ko’y muling buksan
Sa pag-ibig na sa akin ay nakalaan.
Bigyan sana uli ng pag-asang makamtan
Ang panghabang buhay na kasiyahan.
august 3, 2008
*****ooOOoo*****
just a random rant
Written: June 9, 2008.
I have long reconciled with the fact that I’m not perfect nor beautiful. I have the lowest self-esteem ever existed on human. When i look at the mirror, i dont see what everyone else’s see in me. i see what i THINK they will see. (gets?!?) For years I felt ugly. I still feel ugly. I feel unloved.
But I get everything now. I really do. It’s just recently that I’ve learned to accept me as me. It’s just been recently that I’m learning to love who I am and what I look like and what I can and couldn’t be. Dammit, I’m starting to like myself, as me and not as what I imagined “me” to be.
Now, I try to live my life in the most peaceful way i could ever put myself in. coz in my position right, in the state of mental pressure I am right now, with the bar exam and all, I have no time for even minute emotional squabble. It’s too much energy to do that. And energy, I couldn’t afford to waste.
*****ooOOoo*****
living on a fantasy
Written: June 18, 2008.
i was talking to a friend of mine the other day and pouring out some rather “personal” details about my life and my opinion of what it has become. and i found out that we are alike in more than one ways. she said that probably the reason why we’re friends is that we think alike and they way we look at the world is quite similar. one thing that she said that struck me the most is when she said that we are living on a fantasy that we have created for ourselves.partly true. and i am partly to be blamed.
i am an observer of life and i refuse (well, i’m more of an unwilling bystander) to participate on life. yet despite that, i give meaning to every single detail that i have observed (based soley on my observations and somewhat twisted speculations)
its more like high school days all over again. every smile, every look, every conversation is forever etched in my memory. but i dont reciprocate. i’m afraid to show my true feelings. and now that i think about it, i began on questioning myself on what i am truly afraid of.
probably its the rejection or the knowledge that he might not feel the same way i do. and probably i ‘m just contented to savor the “right nows”… the small-talks..the mini-conversations–giving them meanings when in truth there is none. creating a fantasy that only i understand, living in a world where only i can exist. where in my mind, everything is going fine…everything is exactly the way it should be.
BUT NOT REAL.
my friend said that atleast in our minds we’re happy.
But until when will i be contended with just that? –Living in my self-made fantasy.
i have to wake up someday, right?!? i cannot be forever trapped in the fantasy that i have created, right? i have to find a way to make those fantasies a reality.
but words are easier spoken than done. the path towards the realization of my fantasy is quite unknown and unchartered waters. it is not something that i’m used to. i’m afraid to take the first step. afraid to face the fact that there will be times when reality will disappoint me and i would feel that living on a fantasy would be a much better option. than reality. sometimes the actualization of what one has decided on doing is far scarier than the end result.
oh, i dont know when i’ll be able to acutally make him (ooops things are waaaay to revealing now! nyahaha) know of my feelings. as my friend said, had we been born male, we’d be the geekies male ever. coz despite our knowledge on various stuff on life… we lack the practical training on one of the most fundamental facet of life–love!oh, how we all aspire to have that!
what baffles me the most is when the people that you least expect to have the kind of relationship one can only dream of, are the same people that have those relationships. how’d they do that?!?
then suddenly my mom’s favorite saying pops in my head… “god is fair”.
*****ooOOoo*****
unfinished poem for an unstarted love
Written: June 22, 2008
brief as it may be
the mere glimpse of you
brightens up my seemingly gloomy day
gives energy to my weakening body
puts a smile on my awfully serious face
uplifting my gradually sinking spirit…
you are a divine distraction,
a much welcomed guest,
a fleeting yet wonderful memory…
you made my heart skip a beat,
my mind to wander,
my eyes sparkle,
my body tingle.
for all that, thank you
even if its just a brief encounter.
(for mr. dreamboy)
*****ooOOoo*****
Leave
written: September 22, 2008
Done are all the wailing days
Done are all life’s drama
Now is the time to let go of the past
And throw away all the trauma.
You are going to move forward
Creating a fresh new start
You’ll leave behind all the baggage
Do it even with an aching heart.
Here are some guidelines
To aid you in your journey
Promise me, you won’t whine
With the following life’s philosophies:
Be careful while on journey
Don’t wander around jaded
Life can sometimes be scheming
Face that fact, don’t be blinded.
Choose the people you will meet
Create relationships while at it.
Be careful playing the game of love
Don’t be reckless, don’t be foolish.
Learn some lessons from other’s journey
Also make mistakes of your own
Be proactive, don’t be lazy
Discover new worlds, don’t forget your home.
Explore some wonderful places
Pick up a hobby or try something new
Live dangerously from time to time
But be sensible when you have to.
Go on, go on
Leave and don’t look back
You are well-armed for this journey.
Remember, there is nothing that you lack.
*****ooOOoo*****
is this real?
written: February 7, 2009
Is this real?
Are you real?
Or just a figment of my imagination,
Maybe these are my delusions.
Is my mind playing tricks on me?
I’m looking for some semblance of reality.
Whenever I ask all these questions,
You somehow make your presence known.
Still I doubt your very existence,
Perhaps you’re just a by-product of my overactive imagination.
Have I been living in my head for too long?
Have I lost the sense of distinguishing fact from fiction?
Are all these made-up stories inside my head?
Have I been walking around in circles, dreaming yet wide awake?
Is this real?
Are you real?
Are you the one destined to be my saving grace?
Will you prove to me that all my waiting was not a waste?
I need something to hold on to until the new day comes…
Give me something to last me through the night until the breaking of the dawn.
Give me hope for me to cling to and help me believe,
That this is more than just a connection but a destiny waiting to be fulfilled.
Pinch me on my cheeks, so my eyes would open up to reality—
—That this is my dream unfolding, my answered prayer and everything I wished my future to be.
Tell me that there’s something greater between us, needed to be unraveled,
That a great journey lies ahead, waiting to be explored.
Because this is nothing like I have ever before experienced,
All these conflicting emotions which doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense.
Are you the missing piece to complete this puzzle?
Will this spark between us enough… to warm our bodies, our hearts and most especially our souls?
Tell me all these and persuade me to have faith and believe,
That this is real.
You are real.
WE ARE REAL.
*****ooOOoo*****
resolution
written: January 1, 2009
I’ve made a resolution… my 2009 (and hopefully a lifetime) resolution.
Actually, I’ve already told a friend, oliegurl, about this. And no, olie, this isn’t the resolution that you had for 2008—the one carried over to 2009. I toned it down a notch, coz that resolution is so hard to accomplish as it is—with my personality and ever-engraved values (no thanks, to my parents who somehow envisioned me to be the “manang” that I am today! hehehe)… This is the resolution we talked about when we were having one of those…funny-yet-serious, life-changing and also awakening conversations.
My resolution for the coming year(s) is that I will be more proactive in life. I’m done with “playing-it-safe” attitude. I am now going to take more risks. Of course, with an exception to health and life-related risks… and even those are subject to compromise!
Why am I announcing this resolution for the world to see? You see, I’m a very pliant person. Given the right argument and reasons, my view points (especially on the resolutions I’ve done in the past) can easily be swayed and even forgotten. Add to my dilemma is my ability to reason out.So, I always end up reasoning out (with myself…who else?!?). And believe me, I always give out some sensible and compelling reasons that I somehow, gradually and eventually see myself agreeing and then giving in and throwing all the decisions I’ve made out of the window. Sounds twisted, huh?!? Well, that’s who I am! And that’s what I’m trying to avoid by doing this. So, I’m putting this resolution out here in the cyber world for everyone to see. So that everyone and anyone can and will constantly remind me of this decision that I’ve made… every time my conviction falters.
No more backing out… coz you all are witnesses to this testimony. All of you will stand as my safeguard so that I wouldn’t and couldn’t find loopholes. And so that I won’t be tempted in giving myself an excuse not to accomplish this.
So my resolution is to be more proactive in life. No more playing-it-safe but be more carefree with life. This I believe can be done, little by little. I have decided to be more “risqué”. I’m not getting any younger so if I have to make some mistakes let those mistakes be now than later on in life when I’m much more older and people has more expectations from me. (not that they don’t already expects a lot from me, but I’ve decided not to think about those expectations and to hell with everything!—wish me luck! )
We live only once right, so I’m gonna start living it right here, right now. Wherever the wind takes me. I’m plunging in! (with one eye closed and fingers crossed hehehe)
So, here it is world…watch me as I painstakingly try to accomplish this resolution.
*****ooOOoo*****
3.30am musings
written: April 19, 2009
my seemingly insipid life has finally drowned me…but wait, i’m fighting back. even if the tide is not on my side and i’m going against the currents, i still have that horizon in sight.
that’s the only thing that anchors me to my goal. that horizon fumes my hope–my burning desire to achieve my dream. as long as i have that horizon in sight, i have my hope and i will succeed.
i may be drifted farther from it than what i have planned in the beginning of this course, but this is just a minor set back… someday, but not now, i will see my goals accomplished.
i’m not quitting, i’m just bidding my time.
don’t look at me with those sad eyes that reflects pity. this is my decision. the one i made for myself. i may not go along with your expectations, but i’m going along with mine. i’m happy or atleast i’m running after my happiness.
i’m changing my course.
you may think that i’m losing sight of that horizon, but never fear, i may be changing my direction of my sails but i’m not taking away my eyes from that arduous goal.
this is not the end, i’m just taking some time off.
i just stopped coz i want to smell the roses.
*****ooOOoo*****
differently wired?!?
written: May 16, 2009
Late this evening, while I was pondering on things happening in my life and also the choices I’ve made for myself I started to ponder on the fact that maybe I am probably, just maybe, differently wired from all others. I have long recognized the fact that I am somewhat different from the other gals my age. I maybe weirdly uncommon for some or just a pleasant surprise for others.
I have oddly engraved values but with a totally opened mind. I am somewhat a fusion of yesterday’s relaxed world and today’s complex generation. I am a summation of every ideas thrown, every discussion argued, and every experience learned. A complex being all-in-all.
I once thought that that I was just a mere mediocre. Living in between. Just plain average. I thought that I am somehow, a very accurate example of how the “common” people should be.
But now, I realized that no one is really THAT common. No one, in his or her own self (or mind), is mere average. We have different skills that only we can do. We have different ways of looking at things.
We are different, from all others, period.
Hence, if we are all different, then there is no such thing as common. Thus, no such thing as average or mediocre coz, in our own right we are unique or special, as the religion has taught us.
(spare me, if my line of reasoning is somewhat a blur, as I am writing this under the influence of lack of sleep or extreme sleepiness—whichever way you want to look at it—and sheer lack of other things to do :-))
So I maybe differently wired from others. But so are you!
I am different just because I tend to absorb things differently. I tend to not go with the flow. I don’t follow fashion. In fact, I sometimes consider myself as non-conformist—but then again, what is conforming anyway and why conform in the first place? (but let’s leave this for a different essay).
So, so what if I’m different.
So what if I shun the idea of normality.
So what if I am weird.
We are all weird. YOU ARE WEIRD TOO!
For whoever gave definition to the notion of normality or commonality, does not truly understand the concept of being human. For being human means accepting that we are all differently wired from the rest. Maybe a little bit similar but not truly ordinary
*****ooOOoo*****
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