these are all from my multiply account (which i decided to delete and forever gone in cyberspace!), hence the title. (arranged from earliest to latest)
the adventures of a wandering soul
written: March 16, 2006
i believe i'm like a little lost soul wandering around looking for a place where i can fit...where i belong.
right now, i'm quite lost...lost in everyway possible. i'm like a child left behind in a middle of the panic-buying crowd in big shopping mall during christmas season...everywhere i look people seem to have something to do and some place to go to. while i'm stucked in the middle, at awe with how fast things are happening and can't seem to move a muscle, don't have any idea what to do, where to go, who to talked to, all alone... that is exactly how i feel.
i've been trying to resolve this for months now. i've been trying to look for answers to questions which seems quite vague, even to myself. what am i to do?
i can't seem to ask anyone for help coz in the first place, i don't know what it is that i'm looking for. i just know that something is lacking and something is not right...its like a gut feeling, you can't explain it, you can't seem to put it aside, you can't put it into words, but you know its there...its real and its eating you.
*sigh* can anyone understand what i'm trying to say???
hmmm, so much for a first blog entry? huh?!? i'll be back...gotta eat my breakfast and shower and i gotta study for my finals pa. (which is for me kinda pathetic coz i think i lost my drive to study na and become a lawyer...so much time has been wasted...so much energy has been burned...will i ever get my enthusiasm back? i don't know. let's wait and see).
signing off...for now.
*****ooOOoo*****
the road to enlightenment
written: March 22, 2006
this morni
ng my cousin, noes, lent me her book (which i've been meaning to read for a long time now)...its a book by paulo coelho called "by the river piedra i sat down and wept... i've only started reading it and i'm still on the 34th page out of the 180 pages (so i've still have a long way to go) but i just have to...HAVE TO share this particular exerpt i came across with which strucked me and somehow shed light to the seemingly dark world i live in right now...(well, probably not dark but a little bit blurry world i have right now)... so here goes......"You have to take risks, he said. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.
Every day, God gives us the sun--and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven't perceived that moment, that it doesn't exist--that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key in the lock; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. But that moment exists--a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments--but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark.
And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.
Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back--and at some point everyone looks back--she will hear her heart saying, 'What have you done with the miracles that God planted in your days? What have you done with the talents God bestowed on you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were fearful of losing those talents. So this is your heritage:the certainty that you wasted your life.'
Pitiful are the people who must realize this. Because when they are finally able to believe in miracles, their life's magic moments will have already passed them by."this particular exerpt in the book made me realized how control freak i am. as much as possible i wanna be in control of things--no surprises and no disappointments, no hurt. and yet i failed to realize that there are things in our lives that were inevitable...and i have to take them as is. i failed to realize that surprises are like a double-edge sword, yes its true that disappointments, hurts, sorrows may come my way but there will also be love, happiness and joy. maybe that's what i am afraid of, maybe i fear that if i open myself up to surprises i might get disappointed and worst even get hurt. But at the same time, being the control freak tha i am, i missed the opportunity of exepriencing real love, real happiness...i missed the experience of living. ..of being alive and being young and carefree. i tried so much to shield myself from the possibility of being hurt by the people i love and yet now i am hurting because i am alone. is it too late for me to change? is there still a chance for me? i've been so used to being in control of my life, i don't know what to do and which way to go...i am venturing on an unchartered waters...its like throwing myself out for the world to see--to judge. i hate the feeling of being vulnerable...i hate not knowing what's going to happen. i hate to anticipate the unknown..and yet i longed to be able to share my true self to someone...to be able to not hide what i feel...to be loved just the way i am...to belong. *sigh*
here is my only plea....God help me and point me to the direction where i am supposed to be.
that's it for now...i'm signing off.
*****ooOOoo*****
the first step
written: March 25, 2006 (3am)
All we ever need to do is take the first step and everything else will follow. However the greatest challenge for any person is to have the nerve or courage to actually do it.
A lot of us are afraid to make the first move towards achieving our goals--to answer to the call of our destiny. Because the truth of the matter is we are all scared not of our dreams, but of the path that we have to tread towards it. Life so far has been comfortable for us and somehow we've made ourselves believe that what we have right now is acceptable. That our lives can't move forward anymore because at this stage, this is as good as its going to get. No more wonderful things can and may happen to us. Added by the fact that things are looking fine and stable and we don't see the need to shake things up or look for trouble. No need for any disturbances in our seemingly quiet and peaceful life. Just like what the saying states "don't fix if it ain't broken". But is that all there is to our lives? Are we really happy with it? Are we really satisfied and blissfully at ease with ourselves? Or did we just mistaken silence as peaceful and monotonous life as stable?
Somehow, through the years of living as it is, we have gotten accustomed of the kind of life that we have. And due to our familiarity with our everyday routine, any disruptions that might come our way no longer appeal to us. As much a possible we shy away from anything that might change the way our life is. We always wrestle with the idea that there is more to our lives that it is now. We've become afraid--afraid to pursue our dreams...afraid of letting go of what we have in order to go after what we really want...afraid to fail...afraid to hurt and be hurt...afraid of taking risks. This is why we continue to hold on, as much as possible, to the things that we have right now because that is what's certain...that is what's real.
To us, our dreams are mere illusions, mere hope. Something that we aspire but know we can never have. However, that shouldn't be the case. We all have the right to go after our dreams...we all have the right to make our dreams a reality...we all have the right to pursue the things that would truly make us happy--that would truly complete us as a person. In all these, let courage be our weapon. We shouldn't let our own fears serve as a hindrance for us to attain greater heights...to follow our paths...to be one with our destiny. We all should have the courage to make the first step.
Hmmm, first step. Thinking about it seems scary. How are we going to accomplish the first step if we ourselves don't know or don't have any idea what we want in our lives? The first step has always been the critical stage--it's what makes or breaks us. How do we make the first step without knowing which way to go to, which direction to follow? That is why we should take the necessary care and precaution before doing the first step. The first step is crucial and shouldn't be done in a rush.
The first question to answer is, what do we want in our lives...how do we want to see ourselves turn out to be, few years from now. Contemplating on the things we really want and what we really aspire for in our lives is really a hard task. This is because we are slowly baring ourselves out for the public to see. It is no longer a matter of what our aspirations were but its because we are still conscious of what other might think of us when we pursue our dreams. By opening up we subject ourselves to the criticisms of others and that is what we fear the most. Others might find our ideas foolish and even absurd, others might agree with us, others might reject us and worst, they might be indifferent to our ambitions...to our purpose. But after overcoming these fears we would then become free and boundless ideas would start to pour in.
What we need to do is to really make a soul search...find out the deepest desires of our hearts...to look for things that would really REALLY make us happy. Things that would truly define us and make us discover who we are as a person and also help us leave a mark in other's lives. To search for our purpose so that in the end we won't look back and see that time, talents and energy have been wasted on us.
To think of our purpose/goals in life may be a foolish undertaking for some. This is because they haven't realize that we all serve different missions and for us to experience being alive to the fullest, we should be able to carry out what we are destined to accomplish here on earth. Our purposes may be different from each other but they are all interconnected and one small step towards our goal is like a ripple that could and would continue to affect others.
After a series of soul search, we will have an idea what our calling is and then that is the time for us to make a decision whether or not we'll leave everything behind, take the risk and go after our destiny or will we stay in the same boring yet comfortable lifeless existence that we have. After making our decision, all we need to do is take the first step--even a baby step is good enough. A baby step is all we need to do and everything else will follow. Once we've put our feet in motion and took the initiative to go after our destiny, we'll find that everything else will come easily. We've hurdled the greatest obstacle and anything else that might or will come our way wouldn't be much of a problem.
I've always believe and I'd like to think that this is true, that once a person has already made a choice, once a person has already committed himself into achieving his goal/purpose God will help him attain it. It would be like a one big conspiracy. The universe and everything in it will connive in aiding him to accomplish his task. Observe. And see that what I say is true. There are signs and opportunities everywhere and all we need to do is recognize these signs. These signs that would help us believe in the miracles of life. If we follow these signs then it wouldn't be so hard for us to reach for our dreams. Every single day in our lives, we are given the chance to make a choice, to go after and answer the call of our destiny. And once we've answered that call, it would be a life-altering event.
We'll realize that our fears were only self-made. We make the things that scare us and later we'll find out that they are not too scary after all. We'll realize that we are afraid not of what's waiting for us in the end but the journey that lies ahead. We are afraid of the difficulties that we might face in pursuing our destiny. However, the obstacles that might come our way are what make us and what life really is. We won't experience living without going through all these things. There is no certainty on the road that lead towards our goal--the ride may be bumpy, the ride may be smooth, we might get lost along the way, we might meet new friends or even enemies, the weather may be bad or good but that is what life is. Each experience has an impact on our own formation--on who we are--and we won't be aware of how truly magnificent and amazing life is if won't take that first step.
*****ooOOoo*****
cry of a broken heart
written: March 20, 2002
They said that they do love me, They said that their feelings are true,
Yet somehow it doesn't feel like love anymore,
Somehow I feel that loving me is more of an obligation than a feeling,
That they are doing things because they have to...
...because it was their duty...
...because they are mandated by society to do so.
That's not the love that I wanted.
I want them to love me because they simply do
--without any other reason, without reservations,
Spoken by their hearts, echoed by their actions,
Never minding if its the right thing to do
...just feeling that it is.
There are times that I think that the heart is wiser than the brain.
Yes, it is true that the brain does all the thinking,
But what is the mind without the heart?
It is the heart that feels...
...that motivates us to do the truest thing.
Without the heart no one can really say that he existed.
Without the heart no one can really say that he is truly learned.
It is through our actions that we manifest how wise we have become, and how much wisdom we have gained.
I longed for them to look at me with so much love...
...to see in their eyes the affection that I never felt.
I longed to feel that gentle touch...
...to shiver with anticipation every single caress, every warm embrace.
I longed to hear those tender words of wisdom...
...to hang on to their every words, to melt at every utterance of their devotion.
Maybe that day will come...
Maybe it already did.
Maybe I was just too busy
And never got the chance to become conscious of it.
I cry today not because I feel sad for them.
I cry because I feel sorry for myself.
Because I think I've lost hope....
Because I think my spirit has been broken...
Because I think they'll never know nor understand
How great and deep my love for them is.
I cry for my broken heart...
...my heart that will forever be shattered,
...forever broken into pieces,
...forever waiting.
*****ooOOoo*****
spiltsville
written: May 5, 2006
The quest is not yet over
But the battle is starting to die down.
My faith is beginning to falter
With the result this fight has shown.
A subdued sense of defeat envelops me
I feel the need to cry out and call for a truce.
I am weak, tired and weary
For fighting battles without a cause.
A cause...perhaps there was one--at the beginning.
Given that back then I was so idealistic and naive
--naive in believing I too, can make a difference
In other's lives as well as yours.
At this point, waging wars has lost its allure.
I no longer desire to keep on struggling...
I just want to raise my hands and succumb
--succumb to the fact that "we" have become a failure.
I am exhausted.
My eyelids are getting heavy
And the ground seems to call out my name.
Tempting me with its soothing voice
To lie down...to rest...to forget.
So I say this, goodbye my beloved
I've grown tired of waiting.
I am now submitting our fate to destiny.
And since I've already gambled everything,
Today I am relinquishing everything to chance.
I'd like to say thanks for all the things you've done.
I'd like to say good luck for all the things you'll do.
May our paths cross again...sometime
But for now, parting would be the best thing to do.
*****ooOOoo*****
about a fresh-water fish
written: June 21, 2006
can a fresh-water fish survive in the sea? i wonder if they could. you see, as far as my meager cooking knowledge is concerned, there are two kinds of fishes--the fresh-water fishes, like the ones from rivers and lakes, etc., and the salt-water fishes, those from the sea.
isn't it that the rivers are connected with the sea? why then the distinction? the mouth of the river opens up to the large, deep blue sea, then it means that the same water is involved between the two. hmmm, maybe somewhere along the way there is a change that occur and made the fresh-water into a salty one...
what if a small fresh-water fish get lost in the middle of the sea. due to the currents of the river, he was dragged from the river and into the sea. he became too tired of going upstream and decided "what the heck! might as well go along with the currents since nobody else want to swim upstream with me. why fight it? better i give in gracefully."
suddenly he is the middle of the ocean...alone and afraid. he didn't know anyone. everything seems different--its like a whole different world for the small fresh-water fish. there are lots of different classes of fishes to get to know with, a whole bunch of predators to fight with, got to look for a new and safe corals to find sanctuary with and a new and bigger waves to battle with.
if this is the situation of a fresh-water fish, what then will happen to him? could he survive?
i have not found the answer to the question i posed in the beginning. maybe the fresh-water fish will somehow learn the ways of a sea-life... maybe he'll find new corals, new fish friends...he might someday learn how to fight the predators and the big waves... or mabye he won't. the fate of the fresh-water fish is entirely in his hands.
i'll tell you if he indeed survived...in two years. but for now, i'll try to cope, adapt and continue surviving.
UPDATE!!! THE FISH HAD SURVIVED! Who would have thought right?!? right now, taking one battle at a time... :D
*****ooOOoo*****
"mahal kita"
written: June 2, 2006
may mga salita talaga na kakaiba ang "impact" kapag sa wikang filipino binigkas. kung baga tagos hanggang laman ang dating sa taong gusto mong sabihan ng mga ito. tulad na lang ng salitang "mahal kita". dalawang salita lang yan pero iba kung titignan ang resulta kapag ito ay binigkas.
ang "mahal kita" sa wikang inggles ay may katumbas na "i love you". at ang "i love you" naman ay may iba't ibang porma. tulad na lamang ng text lingo na "luv u" o kaya naman yung mga pa-cute na "labshu" at ang feeling balik-bayan na "love yah". at meron pang iba't ibang paraan kung paano magsulat nito.
sa iba't ibang paraan ng pagsulat nito, iisa lang gustong ipahiwatig ng nagsasabi, na "mahalaga ka sa akin". pero kung pagkukumperahin natin ang "i love you" sa "mahal kita" meron itong malaking pagkakaiba.
ang "i love you" para sa'kin e masyado ng "common". dito ko lang natuklasan na ang salita pala pag madalas ginagamit ay nawawalan na ito ng halaga o nawawalan na ng lalim ang kahulugan nito.
marami rami na rin akong nasabihan ng "i love you". sa mga magulang ko, kapatid, kamag-anak, kaibigan...sa mga iniidolo kong artista (kaso di nga lang pa nila naririnig o alam)...sa mga magagaling na author ng libro na binabasa ko... sa mga paborito kong pintor... sa mga hinahangaan kong personalidad... kahit na nga sa mga alaga kong hayop e nag-a-"i love you" ako.
tatlong salita lang yan pero iba't ibang timbang ng pagmamahal ang nais ipahiwatig...depende sa sityasyon at kung sino ang sinasabihan. kaya nga sinabi ko na may pagkakaiba ang "i love you" sa "mahal kita".
sa buong buhay ko, sa mga magulang ko pa lang ata nasabi ang dalawang salita na yan at kadalasan pa ay dindadaan ko sa biro. dahil baka sabihin nila corny ako o kaya naman nagdradrama. pero nonetheless, sa tuwing sinasabi ko sa kanila ang mga salitang iyan, ito ay sinsero at galing sa aking puso. kaya bihira kong sabihin o bigkasin ang "mahal kita" mas mabigat kasi at parang nanggagaling pa ito sa kaibuturan ng aking puso (at kaluluwa). ang bigat nito e yung tipong parang sa karapat-dapat na tao lang dapat sabihin...yung tipong pang matagalan na pag-ibig...ung permanente at hindi na kailan man mawawala...yung tipong "this is really it! no more backing out...the ONE"...yung tipong kahit kailan, at kahit ano pang mangyari ang taong sasabihan ko nito ay bubuo, bumubuo o bumuo ng malaking parte ng aking buhay o pagkatao... marahil ay di ko pa nakikita ang taong dapat kong sabihan ng mga salitang ito...
so, in the meantime, "i love you" muna ang gagamitin ko...mas kaswal, pwede kahit kanino ko sabihin, mas hindi masyadong seryoso...pero nandoon pa rin ang meaning na "mayroon kang puwesto dito sa puso ko".
*****ooOOoo*****
-- NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC --
written: July 2, 2006
I AM NOT A WRITER...
nor do i try to be one...
i only write because of the pleasure that it brings me...or sometimes i just want to put my thoughts into writing...
i don't write with verbosity
(or atleast i think i don't).
i don't write using grand words with deep meaning, since i, too, am only servant of Mr. Webster and of late, Mr. Black...
i'm still grasping for words to use to describe the situation that i am in...
oftentimes, i just find myself lost for words.
i write plain and simple...
something any person could understand.
i write not expecting any monetary gain
(but if ever i will, in the course of this adventure, earn some "ninoys", i wouldnt mind it--in fact, i will greatly appreciate it).
i write not because i want to prove a point.
if my view point gets to come across, and you find yourself reformed by it,then "welcome to the club".
if you get aggravated because of the stuffs written here, tell me why.
i want to hear your side.
i welcome your thoughts.
i want to know what's on your mind.
for i do not pretend to be an expert on anything...
i am only an expert of myself... and even in that aspect i sometimes get confuse.
my writings are just random babble...
however, these are not gibberish kind but something with, i hope, of little sense.
my writings are product of boredom (most often than not).
but it can also be a result triggered by a movie i saw, a comment i heard, a book i read, a situation that i am in...or probably not, a passing thought or even a recurring one...
in short, i write when i want to write about anything under the sun.
my writings don't cover any form of standard,
nor do i try to enclose myself in a box.
(coz once you're in it, it'll be hard for you to get out).
i don't want to compromise.
accept this as you accept me.
it is seldom i share my thoughts with anyone,
so when you read the stuffs written here
consider yourself lucky...
you get to have a glimpse on whats happening inside my head.
my writings may sometimes seem lame (by your standard and mine).
sometimes it may be too vulgar or too controversial...
other times it could be too religious or too preachy...
still there are times when it doesn't make sense.
there are times when i write about things which people who knew me would never expect that i write...not even think.
(some of the things i wrote are not even posted here, because it might offend public policy, morals, good customs and alike).
my writings could sometimes be just mere words put together to form a cohesive and coherent thought.
i write about stuffs i know and have experienced.
sometimes i write about stuffs i know nothing of-- still i write just because my lack of knowledge prompted me to do so...
...because i challenge everyone who is knowledgeable on the topic to shed some light on me...
...to put me in my place.
i know that i couldn't and wouldn't be able to please anyone with my stuffs...
...all i know is that it please me (and basically, that's all what i care about right now).
i don't write all the time.
not because i haven't got the topic to discuss
or the desire to write...
...its because i can't keep up with my mind.
so many thoughts running through my mind every moment, every second.
but this i say is true:
every and all things written here are mine... (if not, i put a citation to give credit to its brillant makers)
if you've a problem with this site, blame me...
if you have anything to say or you have any reaction, comment or suggestion, tell me.
i am not a writer, coz i do not use flowery words,
nor am i dictated by anyone to write.
i don't try to sway people to think differently i just want them to hear my side.
i just believe (strongly) in my freedom of speech,
and in this site i am exercising exactly that.
ok?!?
--signing off...for now.
*****ooOOoo*****
brooding...
written: October 29, 2006
hello bloggers...wassup?!?
me? still the same...
having a quite steady life...
no lumps...no humps...
in still water.
i'm still waiting for something to happen...
i know, something wonderful is gonna happen.
i can't explain what it is...
but i know its there.
its like a shadow...
its lurking somewhere.
i feel that there is something out there waiting for me
i just don't know what it is.
i hope i'll recognize it when its right infront of me.
anyways...
whatever it is... is coming.
sometimes the wait is what's agonizing.
with me getting impatient and all.
--change topic--
lately, (since its sembreak) i've been doing some
dvd marathon and my dvd for the week--SEX AND THE CITY.
being the O.C. that i am, i've to start with season 1...
now, on the 3rd season (i think!) anyhow, i can't help
but wonder...which Sex And The City character best suit me...
is it the Carrie the Observer? or the Cynical Miranda?
the Romantic Charlotte? or the Samantha the Vixen?
after season 2, i think i'm a mixture of charlotte and miranda...
seems quite the opposite don't you think? just when charlotte starts to ramble about love, marriage and future it seems miranda is there to stomp all of charlotte's fantasies with her cynical views on life and love and people in general.
but no matter how opposite the two characters are, it somehow find a way to blend in one person me...
i am a hopeless romantic. just like charlotte. i grew up reading sweet dreams novels...then when i reached high school i started those historical romance novels thingy. (can't help it, i'm addicted to the damsel in distress and knight in shining armor kinda stories)... i think at the back of my mind i'm still hoping to be swept off my feet by some manly man who'll love me, and ONLY me, for the rest of his life. (hey, its not bad to dream right?) is that kind of man lost in today's society?
BUT despite all my fantasies on love. i can't help but be realistic. idealism is great but it must be coupled with reality. i can't just wait forever, can i? i have to face reality that eventhough such a guy (i hope) exist, he's quite rare... just like they always say, those kind of men are either taken or gay. men are complex individuals. more complex than women. they say that its hard to to know what's inside a woman's mind. but i think all women are the same, in their hearts. we've been modeled to love and look for love. to be emotional and to get involved. to be less rational and more reflective. but guys?!? where do i begin to narrate the endless tales on how crazy guys think. but i digress...this is for another topic.
as i was saying, i'm a miranda also. because the world has taught me to be tough, not to be too trusty (although i still have problem with this)... life has been rough and the road to recovery is even tougher. reality really do bite and it has bit me hard! so, no one can blame me if i have some doubts as to the male species... they may not learn to grow up...hell, they might not grow at all... some just remain boys trap in a man's body.
but this is for another topic. i'm tired.
night.
*****ooOOoo*****
dont like small xmas trees! :(
written: November 26, 2006
i know im being a brat but i just HATE our xmas tree this year...
i like big xmas trees...with all the lights and xmas balls haging around it for many years now, our xmas tree has been atleast taller than I am... we don't have any other xmas ornament in our house...no lanterns with dancing lights, no wreaths, no other decors...just the tree so each year i really anticipate the time when we set up ours. its a huge event for me... more like going back to time when i was a kid... same excitement flows back into me... same feeling of happiness...
when our tree was set up, that's the time that i really feel that xmas is in the air. it makes me feel giggly (is there such a word?!?) inside... so when i saw that for this year our xmas tree hardly reached my mid thigh i was completely devastated.
i didn't mind that last year and the year before that we had white xmas tree although i thought it was kinda weird...i just went right along with my mom's choice of tree where have u seen white xmas tree??? even abroad where they use real trees...with real snow..they had GREEN trees...but who cares...as long as its big, its fine with me. what mattered to me was that it was big...doesn't matter if there aint much gifts underneath it what mattered was that when i come home from school or work or when i am super stressed with all the pressures in life and i see our xmas tree all lighted up...my exhaustion just went right out of the door. now, we have a small one...(as i've said, i know i'm being a brat) but i want our old xmas tree back. i tried to look at the new one when its lighted up but the feeling of euphoria isnt the same. i dunno why...its just isnt.
i know i should be happy and contented with the tree that we have, and there are a lot of families out there who doesnt have a tree for xmas... BUT....*sigh* i want our old gangly white xmas tree back!
*****ooOOoo*****
arrggghh!
written: March 26, 2007
fuck! why do you have to be that way?
a wolf cloaked with sheep's skin.
just when i thought i'm starting to fall...
just when i thought i'm starting to believe again...
you've changed or haven't you?
i thought you are a MAN
but then you started acting like a little boy.
now i'm confused.
i have no idea who you really are.
were you being REAL when i first met you?
or were just playing a role to get my attention?
well you did got my attention, damn you!
it even came to a point where
you were knocking outside my heart's door.
but that door came crashing down,
when you started revealing yourself to me.
why you do have to be just like any other boy...
i thought you were much better than that.
way better.
but now, i learned that everything was all just a LIE...
you were a joke.
--a very bad joke.
you played with my heart
and i'll never forgive for that.
you made me a fool.
what gave you the right to do so?
I was being REAL.
you weren't.
*****ooOOoo*****
muni muni muni
written: May 31, 2007
i realized that i am a lot tougher than i give myself credit for.
i've hurdled a LOT of trials this week alone and a normal person with a weak heart and mind and even disposition would easily crumble by all the emotional trauma i've been battling with. but here i am now...still standing with my head held high. ready to face whatever life's test would be.
i now remember a shoutout i posted on my friendster account a few weeks ago, which i got from a novel i read by Elizabeth Lowell... it says:
"Life is neither fair or unfair, it was simply unexpected." so true. so very true.
my friend philly and i was talking this afternoon about the situation we were in. and she said (coz we were laughing out loud and making funny suggestions to a serious situation) maybe that's why God gave the test to us because He knows we can handle it with a smile. we dont give up easily. we don't give in to the need to surrender. we try our best and we fight hard.
and all these with a smile and a happy disposition.
i realized (again) now the reason behind those smiles despite of it all.
its because we know that God is good. He'll not leave us alone. He won't give us something we can't handle and everything has its purpose. plus: what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?!?
*****ooOOoo*****
changing sails
written: February 5, 2008
i've given myself an ultimatum...
i only have this year to finish law school or else i'd change the direction of my life.
i'm not getting any younger and by march i'll surely be one year older and getting nearer to 3-0!
i'm getting tired of preparing for life that i have actually (i think) missed life.
i no longer want to be a bystander of my own life.
i want to get involved with it...not as a mere observant put more of a participant.
i'm scared. coz i don't know what else to do.
changing sails at this point in my life seems a bit crazy and rush.
its a big change. i know.
(i haven't even told my dad about it yet)
but i have to.
i know i'll disappoint most of the people i love if i actually do this.
i know some will be confused.
especially those who have some expectations on what or who i'll become.
but i also know that, no matter how confused or disappointed they might be
i know (and really hope) that they'd stand by me--in whatever decisions (right or wrong) i do for myself.
i need to grow up.
i need to start making something out of myself.
if that something requires for me to be hurt, make wrong decisions,
crash or burn then so be it.
my life has seem to passed me by and i no longer want that.
i want a change. and i want it now.
but i first have to tie some loose ends.
that's why its one year.
macs, seems like the answer to the fresh-water fish in a salt water one will be answered sometime before summer starts. (in the mean time, i'm keeping my fingers crossed and burning some mid-night candles while i wait)
pray for me...for my peace of mind...i think i need it now more than ever.
*****ooOOoo*****
ooops, i did it again!
written: Februaty 27, 2008
i admit, i'm the queen of klutz and some unfortunate events! (darnit!)i could star in another lemony snicket's series of unfortunate events,
and garner an oscar and even nobel prize for it!
(to refresh your memories: remember the lrt incident where the door closing in on me and literally cutting me lengthwise!?! or the manhole episode wherein i, vaingloriously, walked towards my friend's car without glasses in a pitched-black area of the parking lot, in the middle of the night...guess who suddenly made a scene with her so-called "disappearing act" into a not so deep but dry (thank goodness!) manhole?!? OR better yet, just think of my everyday "sablay na hirit"...yikes!)
*sigh*
i do something (reluctuntly) and then *BHAM!* i (ALWAYS, and i mean ALWAYS) get caught...
OR sometimes i have a "feeling" that some nasty (well not in a naughty, nasty way haha
) thing will happen and then before i knew it, the thing happen...and to ME!!! (who in the first place had the "vision", so to speak!)i guess this is becoming a habit...(yikes, hope not!)
can a girl just have a (little) break???
wish i could rewind things and delete "my moment" of humiliation.
OR the ground could open up and eat me alive!
my life if one big blooper! crappp!
darnit! darnit! darnit!
hmmm, i didn't actually say what i did, right???
good thing...coz i'm still recovering from it!
the memory makes me cringe...yikes!
*****ooOOoo*****
strange dream
written: June 4, 2008
The other day (actually it has been days…) I woke up feeling weird because of a dream...
But before I tell you what the dream was all about, I have to inform you first with few essentials regarding a certain character in my dream...let's call him "classmate"
"Classmate" was obviously a classmate of mine in one of my class (OBVIOUSLY, duh?!?) during my first sem in school. He was my "crush of the sem" back then although not really crush-pinagnanasaan-type but more of crush-"cute-sya"-type... We never really became friends because of my stupid (yeah I call it stupid now, darn!) one-friend-per-class policy. (So medyo snobbish ang lola nyo back then! Hehehe) My plan was to go unnotice and live my own life (for a change) during the rest of my law school life so that I could focus more on my studies… The one friend was supposedly the person I would to and ask if there were any assignments whenever I’m absent (yes, I planned on being user friendly!hahaha :) Evidently I wasn’t able to stick with my policy since I have gained A LOT of friends from 2nd sem onwards hehehe but i digress... (sorry walang cohesiveness ang aking story hehehe just like my thoughts..sowee) So enter na sa picture si “classmate”. But “classmate” and I were never friends despite having common friends and constantly seeing each other in the hall way…
"Classmate" was obviously a classmate of mine in one of my class (OBVIOUSLY, duh?!?) during my first sem in school. He was my "crush of the sem" back then although not really crush-pinagnanasaan-type but more of crush-"cute-sya"-type... We never really became friends because of my stupid (yeah I call it stupid now, darn!
) one-friend-per-class policy. (So medyo snobbish ang lola nyo back then! Hehehe) My plan was to go unnotice and live my own life (for a change) during the rest of my law school life so that I could focus more on my studies… The one friend was supposedly the person I would to and ask if there were any assignments whenever I’m absent (yes, I planned on being user friendly!hahaha :) Evidently I wasn’t able to stick with my policy since I have gained A LOT of friends from 2nd sem onwards hehehe but i digress... (sorry walang cohesiveness ang aking story hehehe just like my thoughts..sowee) So enter na sa picture si “classmate”. But “classmate” and I were never friends despite having common friends and constantly seeing each other in the hall way…
Segue—In our house, because everyone kept on pestering me on who will be the “LOVE OF MY LIFE”, I gave him—that imaginary love of my life--a pseudo name (para consistent!) Like for example Erning (not the real-fake name I gave coz he might read this blog due to us having common friends tee hee hee)...weird huh?!? But this giving-of-pseudo-boyfriend’s-name isn’t weird at all in our household… my cousin’s imaginary boyfriend is named, Arman and my other cousin's is Kevin… (you’re now probably thinking I came from a weird family huh?!?...must be true! Bwahahahahaha it’s an uber loooooong story to narrate how it all began…so let’s just leave it as that) One afternoon when I entered the campus, I saw a tarpaulin with “classmate's” name on it… guess what “classmates’” second name was?!? –Erning!!!! (Well not “erning” but the name I gave my imaginary boyfriend—oh, you get the picture!) It was amusing, really, to think about it. I even joked about maybe “classmate” was the real love of my life, him having the same name as my imaginary (now I gotta stop saying this coz I am starting find myself crazy tsk tsk ) boyfriend... I even said jokingly that it must be a sign… (nyahahahaha! yikes)
it’s an uber loooooong story to narrate how it all began…so let’s just leave it as that) One afternoon when I entered the campus, I saw a tarpaulin with “classmate's” name on it… guess what “classmates’” second name was?!? –Erning!!!! (Well not “erning” but the name I gave my imaginary boyfriend—oh, you get the picture!) It was amusing, really, to think about it. I even joked about maybe “classmate” was the real love of my life, him having the same name as my imaginary (now I gotta stop saying this coz I am starting find myself crazy tsk tsk ) boyfriend... I even said jokingly that it must be a sign… (nyahahahaha! yikes)
so there goes the “brief” (well shortened version na yan!!) prologue of my dream…
DREAM PROPER
In my dream I was on my way to school for a review class together with my friends Claire and Maia. (Claire and Maia are my friends from my former school)… I was riding Kariton (Claire's car) and Classmate's car was following us... In the parking lot, “classmate” was there and it seems that he was waiting for us. Then he headed towards the review room..When we entered the room I found classmate seated almost beside me (there’s an arm’s length distance because there was an aisle between us)… In my dream his mom was giving a lecture and he was handing me some notes with a huge grin on his face like we were friends or something… (then I woke up…my actual dream was shorter than the introduction, darn!
)My dream wasn’t the one that’s strange… At the very least, I was just curious as to why I dreamt of “classmate”. I haven’t seen him for a while and we’re not really close and I wasn’t really thinking of him until that morning due to the dream. But I just pass it off and equate it as similar to those ordinary dreams I often have.
THE STRANGE OCCURRENCE
I went with my usual morning essentials and headed to school for the review lecture. Before entering the room I made a stop at the canteen to buy a sandwich since I haven’t had my breakfast yet. While waiting for my sandwich I saw “classmate” entered the canteen (which I find ordinary since I often see him have his breakfast in there—although I haven’t seen him for quite a while now, probably because I’ve been absent for the past few lectures
). After receiving my sandwich I realized that I really wasn’t that hungry and brought the sandwich inside the class with me. Inside the room I sat in the middle near the aisle (where I usually sit) all alone coz my friends are usually seated in front and my other usual seatmate, was in his other review center (apparently one review center wasn’t enough! I’m doomed! 
). There I was, seating alone and minding my own business while waiting for the professor to arrive and suddenly a familiar shirt (familiar since I just saw him in the canteen) came within my peripheral vision—it was “classmate”! And he sat beside me, across the other side of the aisle, the very same EXACT position as in my dream. (weird!) We’re almost an arm’s length or even nearer since he kept on re-arranging his seat and was almost seated beside me… hmmm, was it just a weird coincidence or what?!? I just ignored it since we don’t really talk to each other BUT before the lecture stop for a break he leaned over my side and asked me something about the lecture (which –fortunately (whew!)- I have a ready answer since I was actually paying attention that time and wasn’t trying to doze off—which I often do!hehe ).So there it was, my brief (and strange) encounter with “classmate”… now I am trying to figure out what the heck was that?!? My dream actually became REAL as in R-E-A-L, REAL!!! Am I a psychic or something?!? Is classmate, my true love? (nyahaha) Can I actually predict the future by means of my dream??? Do I have some super (HUMAN) power like those in HEROES?? ( the tv series, hehehe) Am I the next Madam Auring or Rosa? (yikes! No, no, no!
) What do you think?
It’s just confusing.
But whatever it was…it sure was fun and weird (in a fun way
