I've been thinking about the idea and value of marriage lately. (Not that I'm entering into one--well, not anytime soon anyway, thank God! Much to the disappointment of my mother...hehehe)
My idea of the supposed "ever-after" has been deeply disturbed.
The yin and yang of the value of marriage due to several events has only left me bewildered and ultimately troubled!
One of my close friends just got married--civilly (for formality's sake -they say- as the actual church wedding will happen in less than four months from now). My friend is based in US and her now-husband is based here in the Philippines. So that explains the separate civil and church wedding date. It was such a happy day--the culmination of their love and how it has evolved and is about to embark another journey. I would assume that their relationship is not perfect with the daily struggle of time and distance above anything else, but I applaud them for having hurdled those issues for several years of being boyfriend-girlfriend. Now,they're husband and wife, I couldn't be any prouder and HAPPIER for them!
HOWEVER, just a week after my friend's civil wedding, I witnessed how someone-close-to-me's marriage crumble (I shall now name them as S-couple). I told myself that I will not get affected--it was their own relationship anyway to destroy, why would I meddle, right???
But I never thought that, despite the "nonchalance" I tried to exude and the numb, cold facade I tried to clothe myself with, I realized that I am just as emotionally invested in their relationship as anyone else around them. I found myself crying over a text message and over a single hello on the phone. Then I find myself laughing at the absurdity of things.
My dad saw me baking one afternoon and asked me, why I was baking, I told him because I was sad...(I'm an emotional baker---baking soothes and calms me down). My dad aptly put what I felt at the time...he told me "his heart is crying" and so did mine.
I hate the feeling of helplessness.
I felt that since its S-couple's relationship to begin with, I have no right nor reason to voice out my opinion on how things should be better handled. On how things looked from my own point of view. I fear that I might get a slap-on-your-face-statement like "what do you know about married life? or what do you know about relationship, to begin with?"
So now, the value, the idea, the worth of a marriage for me is shaken. What does marriage or being married implies? What difference does it have from those who are in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship? If your answer is about stability and security, then I would have to assume that you're idea is just as screwed and fucked up as mine. (I used to have that notion before, but now I wonder what exactly is secured and stable in marriage?)
To say security and stability are just a few of the guarantees or consquences of being married is bullshit (for me)! Just take a look at the high divorce rate in US. If you are going to argue about the difference between US and Philippine marriages, then just take a look at the growing number of annulment cases in courts today. Plus the number of undocumented "separate" couples who have no idea what annulment is and if they did had an idea do not have the money to go through the rigorous and expensive court processes.
In my opinion, there is no security nor stability in marriage if in the first you enter into one not secured of the actual relationship. They say that the prime components of a lasting relationship are, LOVE, TRUST and RESPECT. I, believe it to be true! These will make one marriage secured and stable.
So I ask, if thats not the case...why not be involved in domestic partnership, instead? Why is it so important to get married? Take for example the impact of the approved gay-marriages in the US. (I have nothing against gay relationship, in fact I'm all for equality and KUDOS to those who are advocates of equal rights. But just the same, whether be it a homosexual or heterosexual marriage--why marry???)
As I have mentioned above, why not live together? Its easier to get in and out of--when the time comes that one or both parties are no longer happy with how the relationship is going...its easy to say goodbye.
I feel that marriages (these days, anyway) have become disposable, no matter how sacred we delude ourselves into thinking that it is.
You might think that the reason why I am saying all these is because I have an skewed perception of the ever-after. That it has HAPPILY as prefix. No, I don't have the happily-ever-after disillusions. AND I'm not bitter either! hehehe
My parents have been together for several years. So technically they have been married a little under thirty years and has been together a little over thirty years. And for all those years, I can probably say that I've seen the best and the worst in my parents' relationship. Its not all highs and not all lows. Its not all the time pure love, not all the time pure trust and fidelity, not all the time pure happiness. But I think what has made them last this long is their devotion to be committed to each other and to us--their children. It would seem that they give primary importance to us, their children and our welfare. They put aside first their personal hurts and pains for us. They were willing to be "mature" (and they had to be!) and look at the bigger picture on what will be most beneficial to our family than the small things.
my facebook statuses prior to the total crumble are:
1.) is sad. Marriage is supposed to be a vow of union between TWO MATURE individuals and not just children wanting to play house.
my replies to an inquiry regarding the above-stated status:
"it just saddens me that nowadays, there are people who takes marriage lightly... marriage is a gift and should be treasured."
"live in na lang para pag ayaw nyo na, mas madali...wala ng legalities involve, on to the next relationship hahahaha but seriously, that vow is supposed to be sacred...gives one a sense of security, but then again the sense of being secured is intangible and need not have a scrap of paper to prove it. *ayyy I sounded Bitter Ocampo* Im not po bitter, I just give marriage an uber high regard... Tee hee her" (a friend asked me what do I prefer live in or marriage)
2.)Marriage (in the Philippines-until gay marriages/relationships are accepted) is composed of two individuals, man and woman. There might be a God in the middle, children after and other family members surrounding it...but there's no room for extra characters like other woman/man.:-)
I've always put the idea of marriage on a pedestal. For years now, marriage has been sacred to me. I was one of those girls who dream of walking down the aisle and with the supposed-perfect man at the end of it waiting and happy that we finally found each other to create a one big happy family. But this is precisely why I'm afraid of marriage. I'm afraid I will just make a muck out of the institution. The institution that I have revered so much. I know that there is no such perfect man, but in my eyes he will be perfect. I know that there's no such thing as one big happy family--well, at least not all the time. But the thing that will make it almost perfect is our daily struggle to be the best of who we are (me, as an individual; we, as the couple--whoever my groom will end up to be :D; and us, as a family--if ever the Lord will bless us with one!)
So now, I'm still deeply confused...
...to be continued for some more serious pondering! hehehe
